Stop Crying

I keep telling myself to stop crying like half an hour ago. I wanted to quit but I have to keep trying. But everytime I try, I got turned down. It's been ages since my bf and I had dates. We seemed to never go out anymore. No more quality time spend. Yes, I did understand he has to work but if I can make time for him, why not him? Yes, he does love me. I do feel his love lately. Like I always said, walk the talk. "Saying 'I love you' is not the words I want to hear from you..."

Ok, to make things clear, I'm not crying because I got turned down. I'm crying because I'm afraid of what I'm going to do. Ok, it's not like I have the intention to do it. I'm just afraid I might do it. I'm afraid I might find myself another boyfriend. That would hurt Ayun very badly. But if this goes on, I'm afraid it might happen. And I will never blame him.

But I have a secret. Not a secret anymore. Not afraid to say it here cause Ayun is an internet noob. Not IT savvy at all. So here goes; my reason to ask him out is to let him know that we are going to get engage. Let's just say, I'm going to propose to him. I planned it out already. Once again, he's a surprise spoiler. I'm giving ourselves 3 months to prepare. But whatever...

love,
nUr

Not meant to be

Guess what? I had my TP today. Guess what? I got 12 points. :). Guess what? 1 Immediate Failure! :( I don't know what happened but I kinda lose control of the bike, braked quite hard and my right foot came down. My tester called my number and he said, "Bagus nie 12 points tapi sayang...?". It was at the starting point, depan2 tester. Nevermind. Bukan rezeki. But then, kene tunggu till 28 October for my TP again. So long...

Anyways, I'm still quite pissed. Takpe lah. I think I know behind the reason for not passing my TP.

Ok. Selamat Hari Raya!

Love,
nUr

I Lost My Faith

Today I told Aziz that I lost faith in marriage. So, how can someone lost the faith when she haven't go through it? The one closest to me, of course my family, doesn't have problems with marriage. Relatives. Yes. Friends. Yes. When people asked me when I'm getting married, I have no straight answer. So, I've been with Ayun like 6 years now, of course it's time but I don't know if it can last forever.

Then, watched Tyra Banks show just now. About pregnancy and she smokes. My Ayun smokes which I hate. I told him if we were to get married and he doesn't stop smoking, no children. About the lady at Tyra Show. Her family has no history of asthma but because of smoking, her two children had asthma. I told myself if I had a baby and it has asthma or any illness due to smoking, I will blame Ayun (if he still smokes). But if he quits and we had a baby after that, it has illness like asthma, I will accept its fate. So the best I think, well I already plan, after marriage, I will give Ayun (if he's my husband) one year to quit smoking. Or else no baby. If he wanted so much to have a family, he has my permission for second wife. Really.

I don't want to think negative especially the marriage part. But, we may never know the future. In twenty years time, will we be as loving as now? Sucks huh. Ok, thinking about the book, Who Moved My Cheese? I think I will worry about the future, well in the future. The present is important to me right NOW. Live without worry.

I hope my Ayun will read this blog. It's hard to tell him what I think. He will either lost his mood or ignore it. If this is how things are, how are we going to get married when there's no communication? I seems to have more and more reasons not to tie the knot.

Love,
nUr

So Materialistic!

I admit I am. So many things to buy, I wonder whether I need it. First of all, I need to clear my 2B license ASAP. Tak tahan babe. Makin syiok naik motor. Haha. I still like got 6 lessons to go, if i manage to survive. Next lesson is my 4.02. U-turn and pillion too. Did a try out on Friday. A okay. Did a calculation hopefully I will be able to finish by July.

Will wait for Ayun's payday. Then I will use his pay slip and buy laptop through installment. I even asked my girlfriend to help, she is willing to. My motherboard spoil again and my stubborn father still wanted to sent for repair. I asked for new laptop, which I will pay installment to him, but guess what he bought? Another flat screen LCD. Seriously, I was pissed off. Because I my school is important, and my brother fucking desktop has too much programmes and games, which will cause lag, so I can't use my CS4.

Next, saving up money for school study trip to China. September. I decided to go because it will be on fasting month and it will be great to see how the Muslim people in China celebrate Ramadan.

Next, trade in my Samsung F408 for Sony Ericsson W705. Then maybe trade in my Canon 1000D for 450D? How about 50D? Then saving up for iPod Touch 14gb. Then $$ for dentist, Baby's vaccination and what else? Erm, June is coming, so GSS? hahahaha

I need to discipline myself to spend only at the end of the month.

love,
nUr

B.S

I never liked wedding escorts. Dunno why. Sometimes it's fun to watch their actions and stuff, but never asked me to follow.

And if I were to marry Ayun, he wanted bike escorts. Well, honey, thanks for my CRASHING my dream wedding! Because I always knew where I stand. Whatever!

Anyways, fined for smoking Shisha was totally BS. First of all, I'm a non-smoker. Ok, here's the thing. Haji Lane is a hot spot for? Shisha. And majority of them, well in fact, people who went there, their intentions or motives would be? To smoke shisha. So, why would a non-smoker would want go there? I mean, when we asked our friends to go to Haji Lane, obviously to smoke shisha. You get my point right?

If some shops around the shisha shops were still open, then it's understandable, not to smoke near the shops or sit around there. But at night, the shops are closed, and shisha shops are the ones that are open. So come on, loosen up a bit, would ya?

Darn. Can't get out of this country.

Love,
nUr

So What!

Watching S Factor as I type. The debates had passed. I don't like Sonia and Michelle. Personally, hate Sonia the most. They said Kris was unattractive. Look, I'm not a fan of this kind of show but there's nothing else to watch. And Sonia just got eliminated. Great! So what if she's a good-looking girl.

"People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
Personality reflects name
And if I'm ugly then
So are you"

She said people hate her because she's pretty. I hate her because she was mean. Pretty girls are mean girls! I know a few. That's why I try not to judge or criticize people. That's why I like that girl who auditioned for FHM. The one who said, "I have the face of the cover". True, she's not that attractive but, I like her confidence. She don't care. Who cares! So what! <--- I like this phrase by Tyra.

I'm fat. So what!
I'm unattractive. So what!
I'm short. So what!

Haha... New school semester tomorrow. My last year. Monday blues! 8am to 6pm.

Love,
nUr

Show Off

Today. Tuesday. 14 April. 2A licence. BBDC. Starting time, 2005hr. Tag: SP 11.

So damn pissed off at this malay guy. So I fell a couple of times. Well, alot! It's the 'S' and crank course. I was excited and scared and nervous. I was scared to open my throttle because if too fast I might as well went up the kerb. Ok. My eye direction is important.

Anyways, about this dumb ass guy. After the crank course, turned left, I lost control of my bike and fell. I picked bike up and the instructor came running, start the engine and everything, I was on the bike again. So this guy stopped behind another bike, just nice, next to me. He asked me this (with a stucked up shit face) in malay, "Motor berat sangat ka pe?" English - Bike heavy or what? In a way, he's trying to say, "Tu pun boleh jatuh."

At first I was blur, as always, and then I realised his tone and dumb ass shit face, fuck him. Seriously, from just now, bingit sey. Punye lah action. Some guys when learning 2A, passed by in front of me, will blow2. To me, that's okay. But this guy... argh! He made me so damn mad. Baru nak blajar 2A ke? My boyfriend dah ade. Argh! Seriously, the way he rode just now, was just damn action. Show off. Even the instructor was like looking at him.

I will never forget him. White shirt. Then pakai that long sleeve thing. That's why sometimes I would love for my Ayun to pick me up in certain places, because of stuck up guy like him. In a way, sometimes I would love to show off my Ayun. Huh!

I bruised myself. Ouch! Night!

Freaking out!

I spoke too soon. I don't think I'm ever ready for marriage, let alone engage. Because somehow I know or feel that my marriage won't last long.

A simpler way to put it.

Whatever I do, was never APPRECIATED!

Whatever I say, was never HEARD!

Whatever I felt, was never BOTHERED!

COMMUNICATION is never there! It's so hard to talk to him nowadays. Always.

Ok, so here's the weird thing. Today I just found out my uncle, paternal side, was admitted to hospital due to virus in his heart. What's weird?

First, I dreamt someone looked like my late grandma, came to my house. She was fat and looks exactly like my grandma. I was shocked then my mum said, "This is your grandma's sister"... something like that. My late grandma's siblings all had passed on except one. Brother.

Second, I dreamt about my uncle, the one admitted to hospital. He was cleaning the windows outside. The one that maid usually died of. So we shouted his name and asked him to go back inside. He looked at us, laughed, did some stunt and... he fell. I saw blood.

Thirdly, I dreamt about my late grandma again. Exactly the same dream I had the first time but this time round, she's thin.

So, I was shocked to find out my uncle was admitted to hospital. What does grandma had to do with it? Erm, nothing? But I just hope and pray to God nothing will happen.

Ok. Back to my research. And I just found out I have no freaking vacations!!! After attachment, weekend, then back to school. Argh!

Love,
nUr

Have a nice Anniversary!

1745hr. Today. Make-up removed. Clothes in the washing machine. I have stop hoping.

He had 3 choices:
1 - Friday. Still can meet up.
2 - Saturday. Optional.
3 - Today, Sunday.

It would be nice if he chooses opt 3 because it's our darn anniversary! 6 years & 1 month. We do celebrate it monthly unless busy but we always make time for it. And today he had 2 choices:

1 - Me OR
2 - his darn helmet (something about his cutting helmet's strap bla bla bla)

Isn't it obvious? Went to madrasah. Dressed up. Because I'm still hoping. Reached home around 1550hr. Still hoping. 1745hr. Forget it. Tomorrow? Don't think about it. I don't wanna.

I won't complain anymore. Many hints given. "Are you free on weekend?". "I feel like eating at Sakura"... bla bla bla. I still had the coupons for Sakura and Bali Thai which Ayun get which expire 30 April 2009. I'm not gonna do anything about it. I already told him. If he wants to go out with me, he plans. I won't remind him anymore.

Have a nice Happy Anniversary!

Love,
nUr

P-I-S-S-I-N-G

Seriously, I hate my ITP. It's killing me!!! I'm bored to death. Then there's this one staff, let's call her 'A'. I don't like her. Fine! So I was late. 10 mins. When I came in, she looked at me like one kind. I was about to say 'Good Morning' but with face like that, 'Go to hell!' After I sat for awhile, she called for me. I went to her and once again she looked at me and kind of walked off. Was about to when I called for her and she said the pantry is my job. No need for her to remind me. She said with a smile or laugh. The kind that not... sincere? I don't know but you what I mean right? I know it's my job but I just did it once. Like a few weeks back. Someone had already did it when I came so I thought today someone has done it already too. The job is simple. Boil water. Hah!

And then today I had to give the whatever job sheets, need her to sign and stuff. She had to come to me a few times, telling me to fill in this and that, I forgot this and that. She said she hated to remind me and stuff. Oh yah, she said with a laugh at the end. Maybe she doesn't want me to know she's kinda mad at me. Hah! Of course I need you to remind me. I don't understand your instructions because you are mumbling and second, you are speaking through your nose. Then last two weeks job sheet I had to give to my supervisor which I don't know because 'A' just gave me the paper after signing without telling me. Then once again, she pissed off at me. Whatever! I just can't wait for this ITP to end.

Of course the other two interns can click with the staff here because they are all of the same race. And of course, this company here is 100% related to the course they are studying. Then there's this intern forever kan-chong.

Tomorrow I'll be the first the come. If not, at least I will come before 'A' and when she walks in, turn her head to the right, there I am. This place is not welcoming at all. Well, a few of them are very kind like my supervisor. The boss? I won't say much.

Seriously, I'm bored and I'm reading this book called, 'The Present'. The Secret to Enjoying Your Work and Life, Now. So, I'm trying to enjoy the present.

I'm so pissed off at a lot of people. From my ITP to my work place.

So lesson learnt. Find your own company for internship. Find something you like then it will be enjoyable. Adios!

Mad for Nothing

"I love everything about you"... Teet! That is seriously BS. Come on. You gotta admit it. There's no way you going to love everything about your significant other. When you're quarelling, everything will come out. "This is why or what I don't like about you...bla bla...." Hey, there's always flaws, and a relationship with no arguments?... Too perfect almost too boring. But of course, no couple likes that.

Haha. You know that Ne-yo song Mad? There's one part saying, "Fighting 'bout nothing". I think that's what I like, or rather love, to do to Ayun. Suke carik pasal. Agaknye Nur dah boring. Rase macam dier jarang layan Nur gitu. Sometimes my Ayun is just too cute. Torturing him is fun. DomiNURtrix! hahahaha....

Gotta a secret to tell you. Yesterday,.... nothing. It's a secret. All I know is Ayun cannot send me to school or work or wherever, because then, I will hate to see him go.

Here's a big thing. To me, at least. My Ayun is ready to take our relationship to the next step. Ready means when he finds a proper job which he said soon. And when comes the 'soon', he said end of this year. Here's why it freaks me out. Because I think I'm not ready. Ready as in I'm still childish? I don't know. I still think macam cepat. Whether schooling or not, still cepat. Let me put it this way, "This is who I am and this is what I like. GC, Sum and Blink and MXPX rocking my room. If you look for me then I'll be at the show... I don't wanna be told to grow up".... got it?

Okay. And by ready also means when I found another job. My current job, nah uh, cannot make it. At my age, my current position I would say not for me. Promotion? Fat hope. It's true what Nana said. F&B sector, lots of boot licking. I just hope Ayun agree to me working as... what he's doing now. Tu pun tunggu lesen. Haha. I did try applying for a few jobs but maybe I'm a student that's why. And I need flexibility. So yah... Ayun knows how bagedil I am. Tak kasi tetap buat kan? Little Miss Stubborn. :)

Anyways, right now I'm doing a research for a simple dress. Let's just say I'm making my own simple tunang dress.

Criteria untuk tunang-

Ayun must have a proper job.
Nur, change job.
My dress must be ready.

A simple affair will do.

Love,
nUr

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yesterday was my birthday... ;)... Hmmm, what's my age again? Seriously, I will never act my age.

Anyways, first of all, thousand apologies to my girlfriends because I could not go out with them yesterday. My family asked me out and also it's was my busy week. Exams and assignments. Cik mah's family and our family went out to together to IMM. And, I got a present ;)... Canon EOS 1000D... Later can testing, testing. Wanted a Nikon but I familiarize myself with Canon already. Think about it, school and friends are using Canon so it will be easier for me to borrow equipments, lens and stuff.

Today, delivering of Plasma LCD TV. Yup, Dad bought like last week. 40" LCD. Get free 25" and compact camera. And also , my parents bought my brother PS3. Wait for the tv, then set up PS3... haha... game on. Then I will forget to do my assigment :)...

Rezeki family.

Change

When I asked him, to sit at home and just talked to me on the phone. His reply was, "Kalau kol pun tak de pape nak bebual".

I was upset but did not show it. We used to talk on the phone almost every night, even though there was 5 minutes silence, not talking. We would watched tv and laughed over the phone. Commenting on the show and stuff. When I called late, he would text me. 2130hr was the time I would always call. He would asked kenape kol lambat lah, ni lah, tu lah... haha... then later I would asked him to change channel to watch some funny show. And we would laughed so hard. :)

I just need one request from him. For that one day in one week, just one day, be at home and talk on the phone. I didn't know that request was so hard to fulfill. I'm mad. Am totally mad. Yesterday he picked me up from work and asked whether I want to spend time with him. I said NO! Here's the thing, when I'm mad, he will start to call, asking whether I've eaten and stuff. Are you free on this day or that. Whatever. And when everything's ok, it will be the same all over again.

His making no effort whatsoever. I don't need a boyfriend has a car, money or bike. I need someone with time.

Love,
nUr

Untitled

In school. Finishing my project. Wanted to take a rest first. I'm gonna be very busy. No holidays for me. Got ITP at Tanjong Pagar at some interior design company.

My birthday coming soon. And my boyfriend is going oversea. A last minute thing. So no celebration with him. If anyone had a plan and ask me along, let's say on 2 March, I will turn that person down flatly. No second thought. Why? Because it's my boyfriend's birthday. I won't say much. But it just that girls do take anniversaries and birthdays seriously. Sometimes. So I have a plan of my own.

So, don't expect me to go out before or after my birthday. Only exceptional to my girlfriends. I think I sacrifice my time, work and school alot. I know no one asked me to. So, I'm glad for my second year, I'll be very busy. I'll be working from Monday to Saturday, 9am to 6pm. Keep my mind occupy. And my boyfriend can have many, many more times with his friends. Double and triple the times.

See, the problem with me is that it's so hard for me to communicate with my boyfriend. I don't know why it's hard for me to tell him how I felt. Maybe I'm just too tired or just too lazy or hate if there's an argument. Poor Ayun. Then he will be clueless as to why I'm mad at him. Now I know why. Because if I told and be mad at him, it will still be the same. This thing will happen all over again. All he can say is sorry and blah blah blah. He only talk the talk but I need him to walk the talk. So why waste energy being mad.

So this tells me that I have to appreciate my friends. If you a girl, do appreciate your GIRLFRIENDS!! Heck care about your boyfriend. When anything goes wrong, it's your GIRLFRIENDS that will be there for you. Remember, your GIRLFRIENDS!!!! I'm reminding myself too so in future I won't abandon my GIRLFRIENDS for my boyfriend.

Love,
nUr

Regrets

Never regret the mistakes you made. Because without it, you will never learn. So whenever I think back, no matter what mistakes or whatever decisions I made, I learn from it.

But I think there was one mistake I made and I regret it. And that mistake was to let my Ayun smoke. He asked me permission to smoke in front of me. I was fed-up, dah malas nak layan, this and that, I said go ahead. It was all because I malas nak layan. Dah malas nak care. From 1 to 2. Then that one day, 4 sticks. Like half an hour apart? My fault. I should have been strict.

I still don't like it when Ayun smokes in front of me. I will be mad if I saw him smoke or saw a cig pack inside his pocket or under the bike's seat. Bile kene tegur je, nanti boring ngan orang. It shows that I still care right? Since sometimes he doesn't care about howI feel, then I think should stop caring. Sometimes he just brushed it off. I don't like it when sometimes he acted like as if nothing happened.

Well, I told Ayun this. Go ahead and smoke. If we were to get married and he still doesn't quit, I told him no babies. Be it a patch or contraceptive pills or whatever. Making sure no babies.

Dang it! Sometimes I can be too drama and too OTT. Haha.

Love,
nUr

P/S Dang it! Soon I'll be one year... younger... hahahah...

The Importance of Family Bond

Now then I realize how important family bonding is especially with your siblings. So much had happened recently. While your parents are still alive, it is them that keep the family together. And when they no longer around, what's left is you and your siblings. If you're not close with your siblings, to whom you going to turn to when there's problem? When there's a close relationship between you and your siblings, you can share any problems with them, doesn't matter whether it's a shameful thing. They will be there to help you find or solve a problem. Always be there with your family through the good as well as the bad times.

I miss my maternal grandparents. They were always independent. Not wanting to be a burden to their children. But at the same time I'm glad that they're gone because they don't have to go through the 'anak derhaka' thingy and seeing what had happened recently. Nenek gemuk I missed the most. I really wish she was here. But I can only pray for her. Well, sometimes it's not a good thing to miss someone who has left us too much. Like me, every where I go, every old woman I see, she will reminds me of nenek. I mean, like last week, I was this old lady, looked exactly like nenek. I was shock. I was like, 'Oh my God. Nenek still alive?'. I istighfar bynk2. Tak baik pikir gitu. Yang pergi tu sudah.

So, please treasure every moment with your loved ones. Make that every second a memorable one. You'll never know when they are going to leave you. Only Allah.

"A family that sticks together, stays together"

Love,
nUr

Confession

I LOVE MY AYUN.

PERIOD.

It's OK to fall harder

So I had my first motorbike pract today. Hhhmmmm... yesterday. It was so funny I tell you. But I'm gonna tell you this first. My instructor said I was the best one among the group. Hehehe. There's 2 girls and the rest are guys. She said she gonna have me do the rounding first to make the guys feel paiseh. Maybe because of my class 3 license, that's why I know to look far. Ok, so it was only my first practical. As it will go up, that's where the difficulty comes.

My weakness has to be my balancing. I fall quite a number of times. I always fall at the braking part. Throttle off, clutch in, foot broke then slowly hand brake then left leg down. That's the part when I will suddenly lose my balance. But then I'm not afraid of fallng at all. I don't like guys to see girls as a sign of weakness so when I fall, I laughed. Because I found it funny. And I don't feel embarrassed or anything like that or people want to laugh or whatever. Then my lady instructor told me, "It's ok to fall harder, you'll get better." My mainstand sucks too. My reverse... hahah... I can't reverse. My instructuor had to push me. Then this guy was like looking at me reversing. Kena scolded by the instructor. I admit when I reverse, the bike doesn't even move. And our group doesn't listen to instructions properly.

My back hurts. Should be because of my pract. Must apply the correct technique. Then went to play pool with Ayun, Iman and Shidah. I first try of playing pool. Also funny. Ball went out. Hahaha... I suck.

Thanks Ayun! For the day out.

Love,
nUr