I Lost My Faith

Today I told Aziz that I lost faith in marriage. So, how can someone lost the faith when she haven't go through it? The one closest to me, of course my family, doesn't have problems with marriage. Relatives. Yes. Friends. Yes. When people asked me when I'm getting married, I have no straight answer. So, I've been with Ayun like 6 years now, of course it's time but I don't know if it can last forever.

Then, watched Tyra Banks show just now. About pregnancy and she smokes. My Ayun smokes which I hate. I told him if we were to get married and he doesn't stop smoking, no children. About the lady at Tyra Show. Her family has no history of asthma but because of smoking, her two children had asthma. I told myself if I had a baby and it has asthma or any illness due to smoking, I will blame Ayun (if he still smokes). But if he quits and we had a baby after that, it has illness like asthma, I will accept its fate. So the best I think, well I already plan, after marriage, I will give Ayun (if he's my husband) one year to quit smoking. Or else no baby. If he wanted so much to have a family, he has my permission for second wife. Really.

I don't want to think negative especially the marriage part. But, we may never know the future. In twenty years time, will we be as loving as now? Sucks huh. Ok, thinking about the book, Who Moved My Cheese? I think I will worry about the future, well in the future. The present is important to me right NOW. Live without worry.

I hope my Ayun will read this blog. It's hard to tell him what I think. He will either lost his mood or ignore it. If this is how things are, how are we going to get married when there's no communication? I seems to have more and more reasons not to tie the knot.

Love,
nUr