I Lost My Faith

Today I told Aziz that I lost faith in marriage. So, how can someone lost the faith when she haven't go through it? The one closest to me, of course my family, doesn't have problems with marriage. Relatives. Yes. Friends. Yes. When people asked me when I'm getting married, I have no straight answer. So, I've been with Ayun like 6 years now, of course it's time but I don't know if it can last forever.

Then, watched Tyra Banks show just now. About pregnancy and she smokes. My Ayun smokes which I hate. I told him if we were to get married and he doesn't stop smoking, no children. About the lady at Tyra Show. Her family has no history of asthma but because of smoking, her two children had asthma. I told myself if I had a baby and it has asthma or any illness due to smoking, I will blame Ayun (if he still smokes). But if he quits and we had a baby after that, it has illness like asthma, I will accept its fate. So the best I think, well I already plan, after marriage, I will give Ayun (if he's my husband) one year to quit smoking. Or else no baby. If he wanted so much to have a family, he has my permission for second wife. Really.

I don't want to think negative especially the marriage part. But, we may never know the future. In twenty years time, will we be as loving as now? Sucks huh. Ok, thinking about the book, Who Moved My Cheese? I think I will worry about the future, well in the future. The present is important to me right NOW. Live without worry.

I hope my Ayun will read this blog. It's hard to tell him what I think. He will either lost his mood or ignore it. If this is how things are, how are we going to get married when there's no communication? I seems to have more and more reasons not to tie the knot.

Love,
nUr

So Materialistic!

I admit I am. So many things to buy, I wonder whether I need it. First of all, I need to clear my 2B license ASAP. Tak tahan babe. Makin syiok naik motor. Haha. I still like got 6 lessons to go, if i manage to survive. Next lesson is my 4.02. U-turn and pillion too. Did a try out on Friday. A okay. Did a calculation hopefully I will be able to finish by July.

Will wait for Ayun's payday. Then I will use his pay slip and buy laptop through installment. I even asked my girlfriend to help, she is willing to. My motherboard spoil again and my stubborn father still wanted to sent for repair. I asked for new laptop, which I will pay installment to him, but guess what he bought? Another flat screen LCD. Seriously, I was pissed off. Because I my school is important, and my brother fucking desktop has too much programmes and games, which will cause lag, so I can't use my CS4.

Next, saving up money for school study trip to China. September. I decided to go because it will be on fasting month and it will be great to see how the Muslim people in China celebrate Ramadan.

Next, trade in my Samsung F408 for Sony Ericsson W705. Then maybe trade in my Canon 1000D for 450D? How about 50D? Then saving up for iPod Touch 14gb. Then $$ for dentist, Baby's vaccination and what else? Erm, June is coming, so GSS? hahahaha

I need to discipline myself to spend only at the end of the month.

love,
nUr

B.S

I never liked wedding escorts. Dunno why. Sometimes it's fun to watch their actions and stuff, but never asked me to follow.

And if I were to marry Ayun, he wanted bike escorts. Well, honey, thanks for my CRASHING my dream wedding! Because I always knew where I stand. Whatever!

Anyways, fined for smoking Shisha was totally BS. First of all, I'm a non-smoker. Ok, here's the thing. Haji Lane is a hot spot for? Shisha. And majority of them, well in fact, people who went there, their intentions or motives would be? To smoke shisha. So, why would a non-smoker would want go there? I mean, when we asked our friends to go to Haji Lane, obviously to smoke shisha. You get my point right?

If some shops around the shisha shops were still open, then it's understandable, not to smoke near the shops or sit around there. But at night, the shops are closed, and shisha shops are the ones that are open. So come on, loosen up a bit, would ya?

Darn. Can't get out of this country.

Love,
nUr

So What!

Watching S Factor as I type. The debates had passed. I don't like Sonia and Michelle. Personally, hate Sonia the most. They said Kris was unattractive. Look, I'm not a fan of this kind of show but there's nothing else to watch. And Sonia just got eliminated. Great! So what if she's a good-looking girl.

"People are all the same
And we only get judged by what we do
Personality reflects name
And if I'm ugly then
So are you"

She said people hate her because she's pretty. I hate her because she was mean. Pretty girls are mean girls! I know a few. That's why I try not to judge or criticize people. That's why I like that girl who auditioned for FHM. The one who said, "I have the face of the cover". True, she's not that attractive but, I like her confidence. She don't care. Who cares! So what! <--- I like this phrase by Tyra.

I'm fat. So what!
I'm unattractive. So what!
I'm short. So what!

Haha... New school semester tomorrow. My last year. Monday blues! 8am to 6pm.

Love,
nUr

Show Off

Today. Tuesday. 14 April. 2A licence. BBDC. Starting time, 2005hr. Tag: SP 11.

So damn pissed off at this malay guy. So I fell a couple of times. Well, alot! It's the 'S' and crank course. I was excited and scared and nervous. I was scared to open my throttle because if too fast I might as well went up the kerb. Ok. My eye direction is important.

Anyways, about this dumb ass guy. After the crank course, turned left, I lost control of my bike and fell. I picked bike up and the instructor came running, start the engine and everything, I was on the bike again. So this guy stopped behind another bike, just nice, next to me. He asked me this (with a stucked up shit face) in malay, "Motor berat sangat ka pe?" English - Bike heavy or what? In a way, he's trying to say, "Tu pun boleh jatuh."

At first I was blur, as always, and then I realised his tone and dumb ass shit face, fuck him. Seriously, from just now, bingit sey. Punye lah action. Some guys when learning 2A, passed by in front of me, will blow2. To me, that's okay. But this guy... argh! He made me so damn mad. Baru nak blajar 2A ke? My boyfriend dah ade. Argh! Seriously, the way he rode just now, was just damn action. Show off. Even the instructor was like looking at him.

I will never forget him. White shirt. Then pakai that long sleeve thing. That's why sometimes I would love for my Ayun to pick me up in certain places, because of stuck up guy like him. In a way, sometimes I would love to show off my Ayun. Huh!

I bruised myself. Ouch! Night!

Freaking out!

I spoke too soon. I don't think I'm ever ready for marriage, let alone engage. Because somehow I know or feel that my marriage won't last long.

A simpler way to put it.

Whatever I do, was never APPRECIATED!

Whatever I say, was never HEARD!

Whatever I felt, was never BOTHERED!

COMMUNICATION is never there! It's so hard to talk to him nowadays. Always.

Ok, so here's the weird thing. Today I just found out my uncle, paternal side, was admitted to hospital due to virus in his heart. What's weird?

First, I dreamt someone looked like my late grandma, came to my house. She was fat and looks exactly like my grandma. I was shocked then my mum said, "This is your grandma's sister"... something like that. My late grandma's siblings all had passed on except one. Brother.

Second, I dreamt about my uncle, the one admitted to hospital. He was cleaning the windows outside. The one that maid usually died of. So we shouted his name and asked him to go back inside. He looked at us, laughed, did some stunt and... he fell. I saw blood.

Thirdly, I dreamt about my late grandma again. Exactly the same dream I had the first time but this time round, she's thin.

So, I was shocked to find out my uncle was admitted to hospital. What does grandma had to do with it? Erm, nothing? But I just hope and pray to God nothing will happen.

Ok. Back to my research. And I just found out I have no freaking vacations!!! After attachment, weekend, then back to school. Argh!

Love,
nUr

Have a nice Anniversary!

1745hr. Today. Make-up removed. Clothes in the washing machine. I have stop hoping.

He had 3 choices:
1 - Friday. Still can meet up.
2 - Saturday. Optional.
3 - Today, Sunday.

It would be nice if he chooses opt 3 because it's our darn anniversary! 6 years & 1 month. We do celebrate it monthly unless busy but we always make time for it. And today he had 2 choices:

1 - Me OR
2 - his darn helmet (something about his cutting helmet's strap bla bla bla)

Isn't it obvious? Went to madrasah. Dressed up. Because I'm still hoping. Reached home around 1550hr. Still hoping. 1745hr. Forget it. Tomorrow? Don't think about it. I don't wanna.

I won't complain anymore. Many hints given. "Are you free on weekend?". "I feel like eating at Sakura"... bla bla bla. I still had the coupons for Sakura and Bali Thai which Ayun get which expire 30 April 2009. I'm not gonna do anything about it. I already told him. If he wants to go out with me, he plans. I won't remind him anymore.

Have a nice Happy Anniversary!

Love,
nUr